03/12/2024 - "Stille Nacht!"

The Blog

IMPORTANT: I am not trained to give any medical or nutritional advice... This is just me explaining what I do.

Also, this is your only warning. Do not read this blog whilst eating... TURN BACK NOW IF YOU ARE!

Red hot explosive lava (you were warned). It was the middle of January on the British Army’s training area in Sennelager, Germany. The temperature had dropped significantly over the course of the exercise and was easily minus double figures at night. Water would freeze in your water bottles and people were getting frost nip and non freezing cold injuries. I’d never experienced weather like it. But fictional wars do not stop, no matter the weather. It's normal procedure that everyone takes turns to "stag on" through the night. A couple of hours to either keep watch for the fictional enemy or to man the radios. As the gunner of a Warrior Infantry Fighting Vehicle, I was usually manning the radio for a few hours each night. I recall seeing the stars in the sky, it was crystal clear and crisp. With no city lights and everyone operating tactically, there was minimal light pollution. My breath was visible in the air and the floor had frozen solid. Leaves and grass snapped underfoot and there was a thin blanket of snow all over the ground. I hadn’t seen the location of the stag position who were looking out for the enemy. It was always manned by 2 people at night, the theory being 2 people are better than one. 2 sets of eyes, 2 sets of ears and 2 sets of minds to keep awake.

We had been eating individual 24-hour ration packs which contained all of the nutrients and calories a soldier needs when in the field. I was taught that the biscuit browns contained in the ration pack were only included to make you constipated and clog your insides up. I never truly believed that there was any truth in this being a deliberate act but I can assure you, it certainly had this effect on the body. Or at least...it usually did.

It was about 2am when it happened. I had just been relieved from manning the radio. I climbed back into my doss bag (sleeping bag) and started to fall asleep. I hadn’t quite made it to the land of slumber when I felt an almighty knot in my stomach. Perhaps it was triggered by lying down, who knows... but I knew that I needed to go to the toilet and I needed to go... now!

This process is normally quite straightforward. You grab your rifle, helmet and webbing (and don’t forget the toilet roll)... Grab the shovel off the front of the vehicle and walk away from the vehicle so as not to be unpopular with the lads. Once you’ve found a suitable location, you dig a small hole, squat down over the whole, pull your trousers forward and push! ALWAYS pull your trousers forward! You’d be surprised just how many people drop a deuce into their trousers and only realise their error when they pull them back up. This process is often referred to as a "shovel recce". Whilst the process is straight forward, it can be a bit timely. Or at least it feels like a time intensive process when your stomach is doing rolls and you're racing against the clock.

I grabbed my rifle and as I leant over to get my webbing, I realised that I wasn’t going to have time to do this whole process. I left most of my kit inside the vehicle, slung my rifle and made my way to the front where the shovel and toilet roll was strapped to the decks of the vehicle. As I attempted to undo the retaining straps, my guts did another cartwheel and the pain sank lower. My insides were already on the final countdown before this but this was now turning into an emergency. I was now actively clenching to hold back the launch! The straps had frozen solid but the shovel was slowly coming loose. My fingers were numb too making it harder to do even the simplest of tasks. As I started to do the dance (and you know what dance I mean), I felt a bead of sweat run down my forehead as I had to hold on, tighter and tighter until at last the shovel was freed from the vehicle. I hobbled a jog out, away from the vehicle but it was clear that I wasn’t getting far. I smashed the shovel in to the ground... only for it to bounce off the frozen solid surface! I tried again, but I was completely beaten. So in a blind panic I used the shovel scrape the snow from the surface... Down came my trousers and I pulled them forward as I squared over the now exposed earth (ALWAYS PULL THEM FORWARD). There was no need to push, only relax as a torrent of red-hot lava was ejected from my body... melting the snow and frozen tundra. It was at this instant that I heard 2 voices laughing hysterically and the reality of the situation hit me. In my blind panic of trying to find a quick location to do my business, I had only just  cleared the sentry position on my hobble out! I was sat in clear sight of their observation arcs, with my butt out... torching the earth. Fortunately for me, this predates all phones having cameras and the viral world of the internet – otherwise I’d be an internet sensation already! However this wasn't before the time of night vision or thermal imaging! I wonder if they have PTSD as a result of what they saw that night?

I don’t know what caused this sudden eruption and I was completely fine afterwards. I shared this story though because it was my first real experience of gastrointestinal complications/discomfort. Unfortunately this is something that all athletes (big or small) will face during their training regime or diet tweaking. There are numerous articles and videos of long distance athletes and weight lifters, making a mess as they strive to achieve all they can be in their respective disciplines. Often under the gaze of TV cameras or the general public with their phones out, hoping to squeeze a pic of their favourite athletes achieving greatness! Over the years I’ve experienced similar issues but I have been fortunate enough to be able to narrow down the culprits. If you’re dieting or getting in to fitness as a heavier person, there’s a real chance that you could fall in to the same traps that I did and suffer the same consequences.

So let me help you with the ones I do know.

Sugar Free Sweets

In most stores now, you can find sugar free sweets (usually by the checkouts). When you have a sweet tooth and you’re dieting, the lure of a sugar free sweet can be very compelling. Less calories with all of that sweet sweet taste! Not a problem if you only eat a couple of these sweets. If like me however, you would happily eat a whole sharing bag of Haribo and so you transfer this diabolical habit over to sugar free sweets... You are likely to experience a similar scenario to my “Stille Nacht”! Trust me... they'll clean your insides out better than enthusiastic chimney sweep with a new brush! If you look on the rear of these sweets you’ll find a small warning that reads words to the effect of “Excessive consumption may cause laxative effects”. I mean, who would look for this type of warning on sweets. A similar warning exists on many glazed sweets and mints! So if you’ve got a sweet tooth and you're looking for an alternative... Keep your eyes peeled for the warning.

Creatine

I’ve often taken creatine as a supplement when training. Not because I researched the product, but because I saw that it was well proven to improve performance and therefore support muscle growth. However I always used it on and off with no consistency. During this current round of trying to get fit and lose weight, I decided to read up on the product and understand just exactly what it does. I’m not going to get into what creatine does, however I did learn that for creatine to be effective you need to start on a loading dose before moving to a maintenance dose. Overly summarised, creatine is naturally produced in the body however your body can only make a certain amount of it. To achieve the benefits of taking creatine, you need to essentially build up the amount of creatine in the body and keep these levels up as your body naturally uses and expels it. Some people (not me) recommend “double dosing” for the first few weeks to achieve the amount of creatine required. Other people recommend taking creatine at a single dose but for about a month to gradually build up the amount of Creatine in your system. Creatine absorbed in high doses causes extreme gastrointestinal discomfort! If you’re holding in a deuce... You’re not going to make the most of your training session. Space it out over the month but be consistent in its use. Again, numerous videos of people being completely wiped out and unable to train whilst taking on their loading dose of Creatine can be found online.

Freshly Ground Filter Coffee

Now here’s one you can use to your advantage. Fresh ground filter coffee. If you start your day with a run or Physical Training, you’ll agree that it’s better to train lighter (if you catch my drift (an unintended pun there)). Have a filter coffee (not instant coffee) 40 minutes before you intend to train and your body will do the rest. If you don’t believe me, there’s forums and YouTube videos dedicated to this very process. You’ll want to search “why does coffee make me poop!”. Give your knees the respect they deserve. Alternatively take your coffee just before work... And get paid to poop on company time.

Next week I’ll continue the theme of nutrition but more diet and sports nutrition focussed and also, this time start discussing the progress I’ve been making on my own weight loss and fitness journey. A new tab will be going live on the website too (later this week) which details my training over the past 4 weeks and the progress so far. I hope you found this week’s blog enlightening... Next week I promise will not be so grim! If you have any feedback or questions, please drop me an email or follow me on any of my social media pages and get in touch.

Thanks to everyone who has liked and supported this blog so far. I’m currently averaging about 380 unique visitors to this blog per week which is far better than I ever anticipated. So thank you all.

I'm off now to grab a cup of coffee... train safe everyone!